Page Nine                      (still copying originals)

sehnen posted on Apr 22, 2008 | views: 212 | Tags: all wishes come truex

Still and again, Tuesday 22nd…. (April 2008) this time in turners

Well, I’m not in Kansas anymore…  I’ve taken a bus, come to the town where it all happened. Where the sheriff came and made me leave what was our home. Where a couple of men pretending to be doing things they weren’t really doing made me sign away my animals, my family, under duress and very much against my will. After my first homeless night of almost no sleep, in physical pain from my immune system. I’m sure it’s probably not legal, that paper. But of course I can’t afford a lawyer. This is the town with all the memories in it. It’s called Turners Falls. Nice-sounding name, isn’t it? Well, names can be awfully misleading.

I have a Chinese lie on my finger. Don’t get in an uproar; I know all people tell lies, so I’m not singling out the Chinese. But this lie happens to be in Chinese, engraved on a ring I bought while my animals and I were still together. “All wishes come true”, it says. Well, they didn’t.

Update 24 Sept 2008 — There I was thinking it was the DMH. March, April, May, most of June. But on June 23rd I pulled a lot of crazy stuff out of the file folders in my brain and came up with: the law, the cops. And Matthew Lacoy admitted it to me when I confronted him with what I thought. That was around 26 June in 2008. So it was indeed the DMH orchestrating the destruction of my life, but others were messing it up on other levels, and I didn’t know about them.

Update 19 May 2009: Saw Matthew twice yesterday, once in a grocery store in the afternoon, still walking very briskly and sanely, if somewhat angrily. He passed me by about 4 times and, like yesterday morning, would not even look at me, much less speak. Love. Were decisions made during his two-week absence? Was one of them that I now do not exist?

If Matthew is an undercover drone who told me truth about my life, or if he was only a cruel stranger who told me lies, doesn’t change the fact that I fell in love with him. I worried about him when there was shooting so close to the house I lived in. Sometimes it would take days to see him again and know he was all right. I worried when cruisers and their sirens went down near his house. I worried when he looked as if he hadn’t slept for two days. All that was in July and August 2008, when I believed most strongly in his love, and loved him back. If he’s a liar, then I have been dumb to believe him and dumb again to fall in love with him. And even if he is indeed someone protecting me, I was dumb to fall in love with him. His variety of love seems to have no caring in it, had no desire all these months to help me, had no will to buck his superiors in what they were having done to me, if in fact all this protection and federal stuff is true.

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(tree man at www.toscano.com)

read…    Braon…    Mental hell


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