back again

Page Twenty-one                (copy)

sehnen posted on May 05, 2008 | views: 65 | Tags: turn againx

still monday, 5 may 2008, turners falls                                                                                   

Back in Turners Falls, for almost two hours now. Turners Falls — setting for the psychotic landlady and the equally psychotic mob-tenant, the sheriff, the shame, the animals vanishing out of some priest’s garage (that garage is very near the building I’m in at this moment), the end of my love and the end of my way of life. Anything that I define as my life, anyway. This homeless, street-walking, loveless, aimless bum existence that I’ve carried on since March 12 has nothing to do with how I lived and who I was.

But a whole lot of other things happened here in Turners Falls too. Twenty-two years of my fifty-five happened here. My child lived here from age six to age twenty. Most of my animals were born here, and just about all of those who died, died here. Everything we did together in twenty-twoyears happened here. The years of canal walks with the cats. The years of river walks with the dogs. The woods walks with cats in one woods and dogs years later in another. The moonshadows. The moose. The beavers. The possum we raised. The grey domestic goose who decided to go wild and live in the river. Don’t know where she came from, but she was friends with many in this town, including me and my dogs. It all happened here.

It was here that I lived when my uncles died, and my grandmothers, and my father. It was a cop from this town who came to the door the morning after my nineteen-year-old nephew was killed in Iraq. It was in this town that I had a housemate who died seven and a half weeks after we moved in. It was here that I lost everything I loved and everything I was.

Update 29 May 2009:  And how do I feel about Turners Falls now, now that the denial and hope are gone? Now that certain people who know what became of my animals still keep quiet? I see it as an even more noxious place than I thought it before, full of people who didn’t give a damn about me. And now they have added the label of delusional to other things they’ve called me over the years, because of the situation undercover man Lacoy told me about. It is still the town where I spent twenty-two years with wonderful animals, and did wonderful things with them. That is what gives me a bond to Turners Falls. But in terms of its humans, it is a barren, toxic wasteland for me.

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read…  Spite and malice…   All my stars

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

 

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