Maybe They Should Stone Me

Page Sixty-two

sehnen posted on Jun 20, 2008 | views: 61 | Tags: in the stand of treesx

still fri 20 june 2008    Turners Falls

Back in Turners Flails again. According to recent fairy tales (or are they?), four of my cats and one of my birds are living quite close to where I now sit. But has anyone ever said, Anne, you can go and visit them. Just be polite and call ahead. No, no one ever has. Because taunting and teasing are so much more fun than kindness and mercy. Well, speaking of taunting and teasing,  the teasing, demented flake with the white van in which I and my family spent our last hours together ever, was just plaguing me in the store. She was in the row next to mine, her eyes possessed by this perfectly insane glaze, staring at what? Her eyes weren’t pointed towards me, and they weren’t pointed towards the clothes. A few inches above the clothes, I’d say. and the insane, glazed look was straight out of a bette davis movie.

There are people in this burg who often don’t seem very pleased to see me come here: I sell drugs; I beat people up; I steal; whatever. No, I don’t do any of those things, and never did. But I am weird, odd, eccentric, angry, blunt, not much of a housekeeper, always had “too many” animals, and I’m an autistic atheist. All of these non-mainstream, non-conformist idiosyncracies are tantamount to evil in this town. I am evil in the flesh, come back to haunt their streets. This town of such great rectitude that in my 22 years here, for part of which iIwas raising a child, I saw more murders, rapes, drunkeness, drugs, theft, psychological bullying, and all kinds of other ugliness, than I ever saw in the neighborhood I lived in in boston. But I am the evil to be shunned. I am one of the worst things that’s happened to turners falls in the last 23 years.

                                                                                                                                                     

Update 9 July 2009: Those are the feelings I got from a lot of people in Turners back at the time I wrote this, but not from every person. And I was angry, and stayed angry for a long time. Everything had piled up: the 17 months of illegal harassment from the mafia-chick (which no one would do anything about); the technically illegal, retaliatory eviction; the lack of help and the laziness of the DMH and the CSS; the fact that because of a psychotic with connections and a dead grandfather with connections, I was now in this unbelievable protection situation; the “fact” that M. loved me, but sat back and did nothing to help me as a person, just did his shtyk and his job; the fact that I had lost my home and my way of life and everyone I love. It had all piled up, and I was furious all the time, for months. I’ve heard many times that depression is repressed emotion. So if I was angry for months, very angry, I am now repressing a lot of it. And for a long time I was repressing a lot of my grief. I guess I still am, because I’m in a living situation where crying is not allowed, and I very much need to cry.

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(emily balivet tapestry at www.gaelsong.com)

 

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