i’m not a human being

Page Eighty-four

sehnen  posted on July 17, 2008 /views 79 / tags: hollow men hunting with mommies

thursday 17 july 2008       Greenfield

 I’m not a human being, I’m not a human being, I’m not a human being. I need to make a mantra out of this statement so I won’t forget it, so I won’t commit the unforgivable hubris of believing for even one momentchen that I am a human being.

Have I mentioned that I dislike the folk of Franklin County, and of Turners Falls in particular? It bears repeating though, because these feelings grow stronger with each new casual cruelty, with each new abrogation of my citizen and human rights, with each new ravaging of privacy and dignity. With each new day that carries me further away from the animals and the life that was mine before a whole gang of individuals decided to deprive me of legal rights. Franklin County has finished me off. Though I walk and breathe, any number of very important parts of my former self are dead and buried.

So if Matthew has told truth, how do I feel about the possibility of bullets in the head? Well, it’s fast. It has that in its favor. But unless I’m firing those bullets myself, it’s once again someone else taking control of my life, and of my death. Two poets I like, Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath, opted for noxious gases. Alchohol mixed with pills is a route that a lot of people have chosen. I’d rather end my life myself than let the people Matthew talked about do it. And what I’m doing now, what I’m doing since a gaggle of controlling, abusive people took my way of life from me, is something I want to end. And I’d like to have the control in my dying that others have always usurped from me in my living.

Well it’s too hot. And in spite of the library’s air conditioning, I’m sweating right down to the fingertips tapping the keys. Need to go for ice cream.

Update 31 July 2009:   A year later, my feelings remain the same, or even stronger. I wasn’t a human being to the psychotic landlady and the crime-chick tenant: just an annoyance they wanted to be rid of,  no matter how they got that job done. Nor was I a human being to the Department of Health, who were too lazy to look for the kind of rental my animals and I needed in the country, on a farm. And if the things Matthew told me are true, then I’ve certainly never been a human being to the crime-chick’s connections in Connecticut. And I’m not a human being to M and his kind either. I’m only an opportunity to use.

comments

Me-Myself&I said on July 17

i have read this 3 times. sigh… wow…. another sigh… Bless your heart. i know the pain but i have never heard it told that way! you touched me with those words. i love ice cream too. have a good one, try. take care

part of the book Spite and Malice

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