painting the unpaintable

sehnen posted on May 31, 2008 | views: 51 | Tags: painting miseryx

Page Thirty-three      (copy)

sat 31 may 2008   greenfield

first, lest I forget, I need to leave someone a message here………

  bill said “you’re givin’ me agitta”


So… twice since the DMH destroyed my life, I’ve tried to paint certain things: hatred, rage, grief, dying….  to paint them in an abstract fashion. I’m new at painting, having tried it only twice while I still had my life and my animals, and now I’ve tried it twice more. How do you paint hatred, or rage, or grief? I suppose every person would do it according to their own imagination. I’ve used cadmium red and cadmium orange, the fire colors. It’s all those things to me, what the DMH has done: fire, blood, lava. Anyway, neither painting is finished, and I doubt they ever will be. But the thing that appeared on the canvas yesterday shocks and saddens me, as if it came from someone else. When I’d planned, back in my own life, to try painting, I’d wanted to paint abstractions that were beautiful, at least in my own eyes. This too, the DMH has destroyed.

Update 10 June 2009: I’ve done no more painting since I first wrote this post. After I fled Greenfield on August 20, 2008, my friends packed up the things in my room and took them to a barn. I made a collage while I was in Northhampton this January and February, but even that late in this ugly saga I still had hope that Matthew and his crowd would point me to a home and I’d get at least a few of my animals back. Since I gave up on that crowd this April, thinking that if in fact I was in protection, they had dumped me as far as a home was concerned, all my hope is gone. I’m back to not being able to read, no interest in art, and no interest in hearing any of the multifarious music that I listened to in my own life with my animals. I’ve said before and will no doubt say again: I have no spirit anymore.        


read…   Don’t ask…  (sehnen)

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