mayday, m’aidez

Page Seventeen                (still copying)

sehnen posted on May 01, 2008 | views: 71 | Tags: no wishesx, no truthx

thurs 1 may 2008    greenfield                                                                                                

It’s Mayday, and the French version of those syllables (m’aidez), used on planes and ships in dire straits, is bitterly ironic for me, because the French means “help me.” But it’s too late for that. Those who were supposed to help me didn’t.

Ever since the mid-90’s, when I learned a little about the old Celtic seasons and the wheel of the year and all that, I’ve been making rather a deal of Mayday/Beltaine. And always I’ve had Mayday with my animals. Two of the cats the “shelter” slaughtered were just year-old kids when I started celebrating Beltaine. It’s one of the fire festivals in the old Celtic way, but we were always renters with landlords, so we couldn’t have a fire. And at the one place we lived (the one we were just thrown out of) where we could have had a fire, I had no one to help me. I know in theory how to build a fire, but I’ve never done it by myself and I was afraid I’d do something wrong. I lack self-confidence. Not self-regard, but self-confidence.

So we never had a real fire, my animals and I. But we lit candles and played Mayday songs and burned incense, and I danced around a little in my clumsy way, and I told them all about Mayday. They liked it because Mom was acting silly, and that’s something they always enjoyed.

Everything that most people share with other people, I shared with my animals. And that bond, that sharing grew even more significant in 1998, after I lost my human family (for a lot of complicated and ugly reasons). So here’s Mayday for the first time without them. The beginning of the second full month without the ones I love, the ones who loved me. A few minutes ago, outside, I told the sun to fall from the sky and fry this planet, I don’t care. I told Mayday to shove off. It’s all empty without them. Unimportant without them.

Failure Mommy’s all alone this Mayday. All alone for as long as she keeps on breathing. The DMH and the CSS didn’t think about that, did they? Well, they didn’t think about me at all, obviously. May the ocean’s dogs devour them.

Update 25 May 2009: I have had now a second Mayday without them, and with all hope gone, I know that there will never be another Bealtaine with my friends. There will never be another anything. Emotions are dull, dark veins running through me now: that’s what antidepressant and and anti-anxiety drugs have done. My anger no longer has its sharp edge, my fear is a smaller thing; my lightness of heart, which came out with animals but much more rarely with people, is now a dull, dark memory.

The pharmaceuticals take the edge off things, but they’ve also taken away my sensation that I am me. I feel often as though some empty-headed stranger is inhabiting me, and this has happened before with anti-depressants. I will at some point stop taking them, as I always have in the past, because it is too eery to feel like a stranger.

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